On Miscarriage

Help for Family and Friends

If you are reading this on behalf of someone else, here is some advice on how to help them.

• Do let your genuine concern and caring show.
• Do be available... to listen or to help with whatever seems needed at the time.
• Do say you are sorry about what has happened and about their pain.
• Do allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling and are willing to share.
• Do encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much of themselves, nor to impose any 'shoulds' on themselves.
• Do allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to.
• Do reassure them that they did everything they could and that it wasn't their fault.
• Don't let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out.
• Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Being avoided by friends may add pain to an already painful experience.
• Don't say that you know how they feel (unless you have experienced their loss yourself, and then you can be particularly supportive).
• Don't say 'you ought to be feeling better by now' or anything which implies judgment about their feelings.
• Don't tell them what they should feel or do.
• Don't change the subject when they mention their loss.
• Don't avoid mentioning their loss out of fear of reminding them of their pain (they won't have forgotten).
• Don't try to find something positive about the loss (eg. a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc).
• Don't point out that at least they have their other....
• Don't say that they can always have another.... (they wanted this one).
• Don't say that they should be grateful for....
• Don't make comments which in any way suggest that the loss was their fault (there will be enough feelings of doubt and guilt already).